The Great Social Experiment
by Maximoffs forever
Summary: The Captains of the Gotei 13 have decided that it would benefit everybody if Mayuri Kurotsuchi had a friend, so they send him to find one...in the Naruto world. With the lieutenants picking candidates and the Espada's help only one thing is certain: things are going to get weird. Watch out Naruto-verse, the scientist is coming for you!
1. Chapter 1

**You've Got a Friend in me**

**Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo**

**Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto (I've just discovered he has the same birthday as me…8****th**** November)**

"Like hell you would."

"What do you mean by that exactly?"

"Well you're the scientist…figure it out. HA!" a loud bark of laughter reverberated around the Captain's meeting hall of the Seireitei.

"I may be a scientist but your brain is so underdeveloped. I fear that trying to sink to its level, in order to decipher the meaning of your statement, will permanently damaged my IQ." came the scathing response.

The eleven captains in the room, who weren't in the middle of a shouting match, were all huddled together. Glancing over at the arguing pair every now and again to check that they hadn't mutilated each other, but were mostly having a discussion of their own.

Captain Kuchiki was making a report to his fellows. "…don't think that that family will be nobility for long, they'll go the same way as the Shiba's …"

Captain Kyoraku yawned and glanced, once again, at the two squabbling Captains – Zaraki had given up on trying to understand what Kurotsuchi was talking about and so was doing what he always did when confused, he challenged the man who had confused him to a fight to the death. Of course the terrifying Captain of Squad Twelve was scoffing at this ludicrous suggestion, trying to appear unafraid and not intimidated, while quickly thinking of a way out of his current predicament. He was not an idiot and he knew that a duel with the large man would result in himself being impaled on said man's sword, quicker than you could say 'wait, I need to blow up my lab first so no one can steal my research'.

Kyoraku chuckled. '_And all this just because of one little comment._'

It is true, the disagreement had begun at the very beginning of the Captain's meeting. As the Soul Reapers had been the victors in the Winter War and Aizen was safely under lock and key, the issue of what to do with the remaining Espada had arisen. After many suggestions had been made, 'Let me experiment on them, I've been meaning to try out a new family of drugs I made' (Kurotsuchi), 'Why don't we just let them go back to Hueco Mundo and live in peace' (Ukitake and Unohana) and 'They are too much of a threat…I say we execute them all and when their Souls are reborn, execute them again' (Soi-Fon), had been but a few opinions. It was decided, in the end, that the Soul Society would adhere to the saying 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' and so that morning, they had been debating which Espada to assign to each Division and, as there were only ten Espada, which three lucky Captains would remain unburdened.

Of course Mayuri Kurotsuchi had objected to his Squad having an Espada on the grounds that, "We control the whole of Seireitei from within the Department of Research and Development, it would be a security risk if the enemy were allowed access". While this was a valid point, most Captains knew that there was no security risk, as Kurotsuchi was the most paranoid man to have ever existed and would have encryptions on his encryptions. In all likelihood, not even his own third seat, Akon, could access anything to do with even the lighting in Squad Three's Barracks. His peers knew that Kurotsuchi just didn't want to waste any time memorising a new face when he could be doing inhumane experiments. Therefor Zaraki, as the most outspoken of the thirteen Captains had raised an objection. One thing led to another and it ended in an argument and a zanpakuto being drawn, by Zaraki.

"You just don't wanna have to take care of a powerful warrior, you're _scared_!" taunted the Eleventh's Captain, jabbing at the scientist accusingly with his sword.

"Scared? I have never hared anything so ridiculous in my life!"

"Oh is that so? I say you're a fraidy cat. Fraidy cat, fraidy cat, Mayuri's a fraidy cat." Zaraki sang childishly.

"I think you're spending too much time with that brat, your behaving so…"

"'Oh please don't hurt me Mr Espada,'" continued Zaraki, in a high pitched voice, crouching down and looking upwards in mock fright. "'I'm just a lowly scientist, please let me go!'"

"That's absurd!"

"YOU'RE ABSURD!"

Thinking it was about time he intervened, Captain Kyoraku hastily ran into the middle of the couple. "Ladies, ladies, please. Let's not get physical here. I think you guys have taken this too far, now shake hands and become friends."

"The hell? Who do ya think you're talking to, an eight year old?" growled Zaraki menacingly.

"I don't know Mr 'please don't hurt me, I'm only a scientist'. If you're going to act like a child, I'm gonna treat you like one."

"Pfft, like I care…anyway, I'm not gonna 'make friends' with that freak," Zaraki said, pointing at the man opposite him. "Even if I wanted to, which I _don't_, I couldn't. He's too weird, I bet he hasn't had a friend in his life!"

"Of course I haven't," came the scathing reply. "Why on Earth would I want to waste my time with such a menial pursuit?"

The rest of the Captains, who had regained interest once Kyoraku had joined the fray, all stared at Kurotsuchi in shock, of course nobody had thought of the man having friends but surly he must have had one, at some point in his life. One little oddball with the same freakish way of thinking as Kurotsuchi…after all, as an emotional being, he had to have had at least one person to bond with. He _had_ to…hadn't he?

"You're telling me," clarified Captain Zaraki. "That you haven't had one friend…not _ever_?"

"Not one." declared the Scientist through gritted teeth. "I do not see the point in such a pursuit, a 'friend' is necessary so that someone may feel important, by having another person next to them who takes an interest in the same things as they do. As they reveal facts about themselves and test the other persons loyalty to them, they feel that they hold some sway over the way that 'friend' thinks and feels, I gives them a sense of power and importance…that is the purpose of a 'friendship', to boost one's ego. I however, already know that I am important, and I hold power over hundreds of lives, therefor the need for a 'friend' has never arisen. Now, if you'll be so kind, I have some important bacterium testing to do!" with that he stormed out of the room, angry at having to waste his time explaining a simple concept of sociology to a bunch of gapping morons.

Meanwhile, back in the meeting hall, the rest of the Captains were still processing what the scientist had told them.

"He is one fucked up dude!" summarised Zaraki, and for once everyone silently agreed with him, even Byakuya.

"The poor man has never had a friend," the ever empathetic Ukitake said sadly, shaking his head. "No wonder he's so deranged."

"I don't think having a friend would change him that much Ukitake-taicho." smirked Soi-Fon.

"Really, I think a friend would be good for him…well it couldn't hurt him could it, I mean he couldn't become more inhuman could he?" said Unohana, wisely.

"Then it is decided," announced Yamamoto Sou-Taicho, who had woken up only moments ago, just in time to hear what the youngsters were babbling about. "We will send all Lieutenants to the world of the living, to find Captain Kurotsuchi a friend!" he banged his staff, signalling the end of the meeting.

Everyone looked at each other in confusion. Where had that come from?

"Oh well," sighed Captain Hitsugaya. "At least it will be an interesting few weeks."

**The idea came from watching an episode of 'The Big Bang Theory' where Sheldon makes a flow chart on how to make friends. I thought it was very Myuri-like of him.**


	2. Chapter 2

The Lieutenants were back, the results were in and a list of names had been presented to the Captain Commander. For security purposes, it had been decided that the mission, classified as 'Top Secret' but known to everyone and their mothers, would be carried out in a different dimension to the world that Ichigo Kurosaki came from, as otherwise there would be the obvious risk of running into said soul reaper or one of his associates, which would ruin the entire mission. So they had decided upon a world socially similar to their own. A military run society where most people were soldiers, or in this case ninjas (Soi-Fon approved greatly).

The Soul Society was the after-life after all and people from all worlds ended up there in the end, except for parallel universes but that, as Lieutenant Kusajishi would say, is another lollipop entirely.

Now it was time to decide which unfortunate soul to force the deranged scientist onto first. The participants, obviously, had no idea that they were part of, what Lieutenant Nanao was calling, 'the great social experiment'. They had each been sought out by a lieutenant and had been followed secretly…which was easy, as all the Shinigami has to do was to not stalk their prey whilst wearing their Gigai.

The issue with the Espada had also been resolved as every Squad was now to be issued with a hollow, they would have no ranking in the Squad but would be labelled that Division's Espada, even though three of them were not part of the original ten. It had been decided that Nel, Wonderweiss and Lilynette would live in Seireitei along with their fellows.

And now all of the names had been, oh so traditionally, put into one of Byakuya's top hats.

"I will now draw out the names of the Espada for each Squad."

"Sou-Taicho, I object, there must be a better way to decide which one goes where. I mean isn't this a bit…random?" questioned Lieutenant Hisagi.

"Well I would have liked for us to come to an agreement like adults but the Captains ended up bickering like children…in the end, the law of chance will decide their fate." Said the Captain of Squad One, somewhat irritably. He reached his hand into one of the hats. "Let's see: Squad One has…Barragan Louisenbairn

"Squad Two has…Zommari Leroux.

"Squad Four…Szayel Aporro Granz.

"Squad Five is designated…Nnoitra Gilga.

"Squad Six…Lilynette Gingerback.

"Squad Seven…Yammy Llargo.

"Squad Eight has the task of taking care of…"

"Be the hot girl, be the hot girl, be the hot girl" Kyoraku chanted under his breath like a mantra.

"…Coyote Stark"

The Head Captain was interrupted by quite a loud "Damn!"

The old man frowned at the break in his concentration. "Keep it down please, now where was I? Oh yes,

"The Espada assigned to Squad Nine is…Wonderweiss, hum, strange name." he muttered to himself before clearing his throat and continuing.

"Squad Ten shall get…Tier Halibel."

"Lucky bastard," muttered the Squad Eight Captain. "Where's the justice in the world, he has two busty beauties and he doesn't even appreciate the one he's got." This was followed by a whack in the back of the head with a heavy book. "Ouch, I mean…well none of them compare to you of course my dear Nanao-chan, don't be getting jealous now…"

"I'm telling you to shut up," hissed his Lieutenant. "The Sou-Taicho is still speaking!"

"…ad Eleven's Espada is…Ulquiorra Shifer.

"Squad Twelve is designated…Aaroniero Arruruerie.

"And finally, Squad Thirteen gets…Nelliel Tu Odelschwanck.

"Would the Espada please go over to their assigned Squad and swear their allegiance to their new Captains…_now_." He added when none of them moved.

Slowly the Espada walked towards their respective Captains and Lieutenants, taking their time so they could size them up, of course their new superiors were doing the same with them. When at last they reached their destination, each Espada went down on one knee, bowing to their new Captain and said clearly "I swear my allegiance to Soul Society, the Court of Pure Souls and to you my Captain. I vow to protect humans and Shinigami at all costs, unless ordered otherwise and I vow to obey any orders you give me."

After that the Espada stood up and awaited the verdict.

"Hey…do you like to drink?" asked Captain Kyoraku, the first to break the tense silence in the room.

Stark shrugged "Meh, I don't mind it…prefer to sleep though."

The flowery Captain beamed and slung his arm around the Prima's shoulders. "This is the start of a beautiful friendship. You hear that Kurotsuchi?" He called across the room. "A beau-ti-ful fri-end-shi-p!" he sounded out the last two words, emphasising his point.

"Yes, yes I herd you! You crazy old…" he continued muttering dark things about the Squad Eight Captain until he noticed the figure standing in front of him again. "Aaroniero Arruruerie the number nine Espada, the only none Vasto Lorde to be in the top ten of Aizen's pitiful army. A culmination of different hollows he has absorbed. During his fight with Rukia Kuchiki, he donned the face of Kaien Shiba…a very underhanded move may I add. Well," the deranged man tapped his chin while thinking. "I think we will start with a basic examination of your anatomy, then we can delve into the nitty-gritty of how we are going to proceed from there…after this annoying farce is over of cause…I don't need something so trivial as a friend, I do believe the Captain Commander's brain may becoming senile in his old age."

The mad scientist tutted again when he caught sight of the Squad Eleven Lieutenant jumping from her usual perch on 'Ken-chan's' shoulder, onto the back of the stoic Ulquiorra.

"I like him Ken-chan, can we keep him?"

"'Aint no 'can we' involved kid, we're stuck with the bastard…great, he looks even more stuck up than Kuchiki! That's it, your job is to look after Yachiru alright?"

The Cuatro Espada didn't miss a beat. "Of course sir." He replied with a bow, which made Yachiru giggle.

"Alright, alright…enough of all that bowing crap, that's for stuck up assholes like the snob-fest over there." He said jabbing his finger over his shoulder to indicate the Kuchiki clan leader who was glaring daggers at him, without moving a muscle in his face (now that's skill).

Byakuya quickly turned his attention back to the scene that was unfolding before him, why oh why hadn't he been assigned Zaraki's Espada…it would be like having a mini-me, he would be absolutely no trouble at all. Instead he got a hyperactive girl, who looked to be about twelve in human year and at the moment was beating up his Lieutenant with the butt of her sword. Renji was being as brilliant as ever and yelling at her, while covering his head with his arms. Kuchiki sighed, why oh why couldn't he have had the Fourth or the Seventh, or the Third, or the First, or the…

Speaking of hyperactive children Captain Ukitake was delighted with the newest addition to his squad. '_Finally,_' he thought. '_I have one of my own. Watch out Zaraki, soon you won't be the only one with a cute little companion!_'. He was cooing and pinching Nel's cheeks as he gave her sweet after sweet. Nel, having never herd of sweets before kept on accepting the gifts while looking bemusedly up at the slightly mad man who kept speaking gibberish.

'_It could be worse,_' she decided, giving a small smile (Ukitake practically lost his mind, as his squeals went too high for human ears to detect). '_Nel could be with that grumpy looking old guy who read out all the names._'

The 'grumpy looking old guy who read out all the names' was busy assessing his Espada. He was secretly relived when he picked out Barragan's name first. As one of the most powerful, dangerous Espada, it was probably best that Squad One kept a close eye on him.

But, it was time to decide about other things, the Head Captain cleared his throat, instantly demanding attention.

All in all, the first meeting of the Espada and their commanding officers went well…for everyone apart from Renji, who had a splitting headache after the attack on his head. But now it was time to announce who the first person to receive the friendly advances of Captain Kurotsuchi would be.

A second top hat with names in it was presented to the old man by his ever silent Lieutenant.

"Hem, hem. The first person on the list is…Neji Hyuga, picked out by Lieutenant Ise Nanao. Lieutenant, please be waiting by the Senkaimon at nine in the morning with your Espada and Captain Kurotsuchi, I expect you to be there as well. If you are not the consequences will be…severe. DISMISSED!"

**Alright, that's the boring stuff out of the way…on with the story!**


	3. Chapter 3

Stark yawned, a regular occurrence, Lieutenant Nanao had discovered. They were waiting patiently by the gate that would lead them to their destination. All they needed now was the mad scientist himself.

"…and then tell them to pickle the heads in order to preserve them for when I get back."

"Of course sir."

"Ah," said Captain Kurotsuchi upon spotting the two officers. "I was just giving important last minute instructions to Nemu…well, shall we be off? The sooner I finish this ludicrous mission, the quicker I can get back and spend that ridiculous amount of money Sou-Taicho promised me if I was successful!"

With that, the face-painted man stalked purposefully through the portal and almost plummeted to his death on the other side. He managed to hang on to the bottom of the shoji door frame just in time. "Nemu you bumbling imbecile, why did you set the Senkaimon to appear fifty feet above the middle of the ocean?"

"She can not hear you Captain," informed Nanao, who had easily stepped out of the gate into thin air. "Besides, the Senkaimon usually appears in odd places, we're used to it by now sir."

"Humph!" snorted the Captain. "Well unless my future 'friend' is a sea turtle, someone screwed up the coordinates!"

Unbeknownst to him, back in the Department of Research and Development, his loyal team were laughing loudly as they re-watched the moment when the Captain almost fell to his death.

"One more time Akon, please." Begged Rin, as he stuffed sweets into his mouth.

"No, no, that's enough we have to get back to work. We have important data to…OK one more time!" smiled the horned man as he rewound the tape.

'Nemu you bumbling imbecile…'

"What is going on hear?" enquired a soft voice. Everyone jumped and turned round quickly.

"Oh Lieutenant," sighed Akon in relief. "I'm sorry, didn't hear you come in…We were just watching the Captains arrival in the world of the ninja again. Great idea by the way."

The robotic girl merely nodded. "It was the chairwoman's idea, did you record it as requested?"

"Yes, the disk's right here."

"Thank you, it will be on sale from December 13th, along with videos of Captain Kuchiki in the shower and Lieutenants Kira and Hisagi kissing whilst drunk. All proceeds go to the Women's Shinigami Association. Please buy a copy."

**8.8.8**

"There is your target Captain, Hyuga Neji. He is hard working, diligent in his duties and a genius with the Byakugan, his bloodline-limit. He is seventeen years old, his birthday is July 3rd, in the past he had a feeling of animosity towards his uncle, but after learning the truth behind his father's death he forgave the main branch of his clan and is currently training daily with his uncle. His favourite food is herring soba, while his least favourite food is pumpkin, he also has a low tolerance for anything spicy and his favourite hobby is meditation. He has completed a total of 62 official missions, two of which were S-ranked and he is described by friends and family as having a 'cool and realistic personality'. Any questions?"

"Yes. Why are you not in my Squad?"

"Personal choice." She replied dispassionately, keeping an eye on the Hyuga.

"Well," sighed Kurotsuchi. "On with the Gigai, it's time to make friends."

After struggling for ten minutes in the middle of a forest ("Damn portable Gigai prototypes, pieces of crap.") and yelling at Stark for suggesting that he just buy one from Kisuke Urahara, he finally stumbled out of a bush and into Neji Hyuga.

"Hey watch where you are going you blundering moron…oh, Neji it's you, I didn't realise." The scientist brushed himself off, stood up straight and took a deep breath. "Would you like to go out and eat some herring soba with me?" he finished, giving Neji his best smile.

Neji blinked. He and the rest of his team just stared at this madman who had just come crashing out of the forest and now looked like he was attempting to have a massive bowel movement.

Perceiving this man with face paint to be extremely odd, but no real threat, Neji simply said. "No." and carried on walking, his companions following behind him.

"Wait!" the man called after them. "Herring soba is your favourite food and it's mine too…we share an interest!"

Team Gai just kept on walking, Lee jogged slightly to catch up to Neji. "Wait, Neji. Are you not a little curious as to how that man knows so much about you?"

"Lee, I from the Hyuga clan, considered a prodigy with the Byakugan and I am quickly earning a reputation in the ninja world. It is easy to find out information about me…I would be more concerned if he knew all that information about an average ninja like you."

"Oh all right…hey wait!"

Neji smiled a little. "Just a joke Lee, just a joke."

**8.8.8**

"Well that didn't go well at all," huffed Kurotsuchi to his two companions when they joined him, after team Gai vanished from eyesight.

"Of course it didn't," yawned Stark. "That's not how you introduce yourself to someone. Now he probably thinks you're a rabid fan-boy. You have to be cool and laid back, like me, don't try to force friendship on someone, just let it happen."

"Yes, but how do I initiate a conversation with someone I have nothing in common with?"

"I thought you just said that you shared a taste in food?"

"I was lying of course!"

"Oh, right…well just talk to him, get to know the person and not the facts. Then you can find something to relate too."

"But how do I talk to him?"

"Look," sighed Lieutenant Nanao, tired of the conversation that was going nowhere. "Captain, there is no algorithm or set of instructions on how to make friends, you just have to be yourself."

"No algorithms?"

"No."

"Just be myself?"

"Precisely."

"That's crazy talk woman, no wonder you're not in my Squad….you would have failed the psych test. No, I know what must be done!"

**8.8.8**

Later that day, team Gai were enjoying some dumplings after training, in a small shop that had just opened on the edge of the forest for travellers.

"These dumplings are amazing!" declared Gai sensei loudly. "Not too salty, not too sweet, they're perfect!"

"Yes sensei, I agree!" said Lee, equally loudly.

"Hum," mumbled Tenten in the affirmative. "I'm so glad we spotted the place, I wonder how long it's been here."

"This is the first day we've been open." informed the waitress, as she cleared their table. "In fact, you are our first customers, to celebrate that fact. The manager is letting you have a complimentary meal."

She walked away to shouts of joy and thanks from the two men in jumpsuits, later returning with four plates of food. "Here you go, four servings of Herring soba, on the house."

"Wow Neji," said Lee excitedly. "This is your favourite food!"

"That's right Lee! The power of youth told the chef of your strange craving, you should be pleased Neji." Added Gai with a smile at his stoic former student.

"I highly doubt that your 'power of youth' is telepathic. I could understand when it helped us accomplish goals through hard work and effort, but now you're taking the idea too far sensei." Deadpanned the Hyuga. "No, I have a different idea of how we got served my favourite food…Byakugan!"

As soon as Neji's kekkei Genkai was activated, he confirmed his suspicions by seeing the madman from the forest, in the back of the shop, whacking another man who was sleeping on the stove with a wok.

Deactivating his bloodline limit the Hyuga stood up, proceeded to walk to the back of the restaurant and opened the kitchen door to discover their waitress holding the face painted man back, while yelling at the man on the stove, whose name was apparently Stark, to order more food to be delivered before the customers left.

"Excuse me."

The three froze. They slowly turned to see their quarry at the door, his plate of food in hand.

"The fish is too salty." He said before placing it on the work surface and walking back, through the shop and out the door. The rest of his team, after seeing who was in the kitchen, quickly followed him.

The Shinigami remained frozen.

"I've got it."

"Got what?" asked Stark.

"I now understand why the Hyuga is so up tight," Kurotsuchi suddenly began untangling himself from the Lieutenant. "You were right Espada, I had to talk to him to find his weakness!"

"Weakness?"

But Stark's question when unanswered, as the scientist walked out of the kitchen muttering to himself. "Oh, and someone pack away the portable restaurant will they?"

**8.8.8**

"Hey Neji, how you doing bastard?"

"Naruto please, I'm trying to meditate."

"Nah, that's boring. Anyway, we're all gonna play a game here so you have to move anyway…wanna join us?" the blonde grinned widely.

"What do you mean we…" Neji opened his eyes to see the old genin nine, with Sai instead of Sasuke of course, along with his two team mates standing around, waiting to play with a ball that was being carried by Kiba.

"'Cmon, if you're playing we have even numbers and no one has to sit out!" Naruto insisted.

The Hyuga sighed. "Alright." He took Naruto's offered hand to help pull himself up.

"I KNEW IT!" came a familiar screech.

"Huh, what the, who's that?" asked Naruto.

"Oh, just a recently acquired nuisance." Replied Neji in exasperation.

"I now know why you were so stand-offish to me earlier." Captain Kurotsuchi proclaimed.

"Oh really," said the Hyuga sarcastically. "I thought it was because you are deranged."

"No! It is because you are stuck in the closet."

"…what closet?"

"The metaphorical closet, and I am going to help you get out of it, by force if necessary, because I am your friend and I want what's best for you. Now I have done some research and found that the best way to help you out is by singing a specific song. HIT IT!" he yelled. Music started playing from speakers laced all round the clearing.

"Is he crazy?" Naruto muttered to Neji as jaunty music filled the clearing.

"Very." Came the reply.

"Shut up, I'm about to start! Heh, hem.

If you were gay,

That'd be Okay,

I mean 'cause hey,

I'd like you anyway."

Neji gapped at the singing man, while Kiba laughed, the women giggled and Naruto facepalmed.

"If you were queer."

"Not more," Groaned Neji. "Please."

"I'd still be here."

"This is not happening."

"Year after year

Because you're dear to me."

"Are you coming on to me?"

"And I know that you

Would accept me too

If I told you today

'Hey guess what I'm gay,' but I'm not gay."

"Really, you sure about that?" smirked Kiba.

With a glare directed at the dog lover, Mayuri continued his song.

"I'm happy just being with you." He sang, slinging an arm around Neji.

"So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?"

"Oh my god!" yelled Neji, running away from his stalker, towards his friends. He noticed that Hinata was as red as a tomato. "It's not true." He assured her.

"Yes it is!" yelled Kurotsuchi, following him. "If you were gay."

"Please stop!"

"I'd shout hurray!"

"Don't listen to him!"

"And here I'd stay."

"No more."

"But I wouldn't get in your way."

"AH!"

"You can count on me

To always be

Beside you every day…"

"Oh please don't be."

"…to tell you it's Okay,

You were just born that way,

And as they say

It's in your DNA…" he pointed at Hinata.

"You're gay!"

"I am not gay!"

"If you were gay…"

"AH!" Neji fainted, a reaction brought on by sheer embarrassment.

Mayuri sighed irritably. "You try to help a guy…" shaking his head, the scientist decided that he didn't want Neji as a friend anyway. "Too much in denial." He said to his companions before they returned to Seireitei in defeat.

**OK so I need to know if I should carry on or not…please help me out here, is it a lost cause or do you want more?**

**MF**

**xxx**


End file.
